It was a big day in Conference Room Five at the Civic Centre. All 33 members of the social care senior management team had assembled for the “Reform! Reform! Reform!” conference; a one day shindig designed to run several
cost cutting innovative reform measures up the flagpole.
Keynote speaker was The Head of Transformation with a gripping speech on “Transforming Transformation in a Transformative Way”. The Head of Personalisation was slightly peeved by this as his afternoon workshop, “Personalising Personalisation” only included two name drops in the tile and might seriously affect his standing. The Head of Champions had high hopes for his power point presentation on “Raising The Bar for Flagship Services” and was hopeful that his audience would be so awestruck, there would be no time for a Q&A, as he had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.
The Head of Everything Person Centred was sweating slightly about her speech on empowering the service user with creative planning. She had tested the temperature and come to the conclusion that she may had run her bath a little tepid. The Head of Hubs was also mildly nervous that her idea to turn Conference Room 5 into a hub for the use of the entire client register may be slightly ahead of its time.
It was probably one of those unfortunate coincidences but none of the parent/carers invited to the conference managed to attend. The Head of User Participation put forward several creative theories about why this may have happened but all agreed it had nothing to do with the council’s decision to hold a 24 hour experiment in suspending all care packages and respite.
By the end of the day, the flagpole was bending with innovations. Effective Commissioning had seemed the way forward and the group duly appointed a new Head of Effective Commissioning.
During a slight lull before the Chair’s closing address, the Head of Daft Fucking Questions stood up (having been suspiciously quiet all day) and coughed:
“I wonder whether we could extend the meeting over drinks and discuss whether having 33 senior managers is cost effective and whether this is another area for potential reform”.
The beauty of having such senior people all in the one place at the same time is that a deprivation of liberty authorisation can be served in record time. Subsequently, The Head of DFQ is now on 24 hour watch in a secure unit, awaiting the arrival of his IMCA.(probably some time in December)
Good. That’s out of the way. Down to happy hour cocktails.
Update (22nd June 2013)
No matter how much I take the piss and try and send up these incredible puffed up, incomprehensible jobs, I can never outdo the real thing.
This week I found out that Linda Sanders (those of you with long memories will remember her as the director of adult social care who delivered her apology to me on the High Court steps) has left her post after a senior management restructure. Her deputy leaves at the end of the month after the new director is transitioned into his post.
At the same time, a number of new posts have suddenly appeared. They go by the testicle grabbing titles of:
* Access Channel Manager.
* Principal Access Officer.
* Day Opportunities Participation Manager.
* Category Manager for Disabilities.
* Category Executive for Carers.
* Service Manager for Customer Engagement.
Oh, how we laughed and sobbed at the Disengaged Customer Steering Pathway Group.
Thankfully it’s not just me. Thankfully, I will always have the memory of Justice Peter Jackson, having listened to a 20 minute explanation of the senior management hierarchical structure, put his head in his hands and say “this is impenetrable”.