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Monday Morning in Committee Room Five

September 1, 2013

It was Monday morning in Committee Room Five. It was standing room only. All 61 Hub Inclusion Champions (HICs – Salary £61K pa) were assembled to hear the director’s three monthly Hub Inclusion report. The signs were not good. Someone had already reported that the director had stubbed her cigar out in the car park attendant’s ear on arrival.

Bang on cue, Deidre Tressell, Director of social care, green spaces, IT and blackhead popping, swept into the room. She was not a happy bunny. She slammed her portfolio down onto the oak table.

“A question. What the fuck have you all been doing for the last three months? No – don’t anyone answer that. I know what you’ve been doing. Shit all”.

Dougie Clenk, Hub Regeneration Manager (HRM), muttered: “Perhaps, we could analyse the statistics, Maam…..”

“Yes. The statistics. Last Monday. Banjo plucking group – not a single service user attended. Tuesday. A man looking for the post office was the sole participant of the sheep shearing group. It’s a great big sodding balls up”.

Jennie Lovelace, Assistant Hub Service Engagement (AHSE) proffered; “I think the problem has been that when we followed the Hub Specification Strategy (HSS), we didn’t factor into the strategy, service user participation. The emphasis was more on the roles of the professionals in the implementation of the scheme…..”

Fortunately, Deidre Tressell had a wet kipper to hand and slapped Jennie round the face with it.

“Now look here you arsewipes. Here is some feedback from the Thursday afternoon, carers shampoo and set group …. Mrs Diggery; ‘I’m only 73 – I’m too young for a shampoo and set’. And from one of our young carers, 16 year old Melanie Flange; ‘I’d love a shampoo and set but I find the charge of £58 rather prohibitive’. The ungrateful bastards”.

Newly appointed Hub Independence champion, Ros Trump, was not to be deterred by such negative reporting; “Maam – can we not take this as a good sign. The Hubs may not being used but we know that service users are doing things for themselves. Some are going swimming together. Last Thursday, instead of attending the Hub’s newt sexing class, nine service users got together and did some cooking at one of their homes. I think that’s wonderfully independent. And that is one of our strategies – to promote service user independence……”

“Independence! You stupid great tart. Independence. We tell them that we are facilitating their independence. But we don’t actually want them to BE fucking independent. I’ve had enough of this. How the hell are we going to get people into our hubs?”

Gordon Gordon, Hub Finance Champion (HFC), coughed; “If I may say Maam, I think we may be approaching this the wrong way. Are we actually that bothered if anyone uses the Hubs? No, I didn’t think so. Our goal should be to ensure this team survives. The best way of achieving that goal is to charge every service user a ‘Hub Involvement Levy (HIL)’ – a £50 a week levy from their personal budget. It will be mandatory, whether they use the hub or not……”

“Genius. Whack ’em with a fee and then let’s see the buggars go off and do their own, independent thing. Gordon, you’re a genius. Come to my office at 2.30 for hand relief. Meeting closed. I think”.

And so the battle lines were drawn. And before the day was out, all the service users were sent notifications of this exciting new innovation to promote their community participation.

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From → Social Care

5 Comments
  1. duncfmac permalink

    Unfortunately this is beginning to ring true! Put enough over-paid people in a room often enough and they have to come up with something!

  2. Weary Mother permalink

    NO duncmac – it is not beginning to be true, it is now and too real……sadly. Mark’s blog parodies a ‘fictitious’ LA only too familiar for comfort.. ……… and we all know one? Another laugh out loud and weep?
    Thank you Mark you are a genius.

  3. angela permalink

    I soooo want to forward this to all those caring, individuals at Staffordshire County Council but then, they wouldn’t get it.

  4. Pauline Thomas permalink

    Add the London of Bromley to your list that would not get it Angela.

  5. Pauline Thomas permalink

    I omitted to put the word borough in front of Bromley!

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