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Sad Times

May 30, 2014

On Wednesday I got the sad news that my wife, and Steven’s mother had died suddenly. We have to wait until the middle of next week for the coroner’s report but I alerted the police on Wednesday morning as she hadn’t responded to a few messages I’d sent her, which as unusual and I had a bad feeling something was wrong. The police came to see me at work a couple of hours later to inform me that they had found her at home. It looks like she had an accident, but we’ll know more next week.

It was very hard breaking the news to Steven. At first he wouldn’t believe me – “Mum’s not died!”. Steven’s understanding of death is that you don’t see the person anymore and they go to heaven to be with other people who have died. He also wants to know what the person has died of (“…. had a bad…..?”) and then follows up with (“Bashed it on the…..?). Unfortunately, where Julie was found taps into one of Steven’s big fears, so I kept it very vague. Once it sunk in, he talked about Mum meeting up in heaven with granddad Lionel and Freddie Mercury. And then there was a horrendous hour of him needing reassurance that I’m not about to die. And then, ever the practical, he wanted to know who would open his presents with him on Christmas morning. It was heart wrenching. Since then, he has been very up and down. As we’re still in the detox of the medication, his anxiety levels have been up the last couple of weeks but this has sent them soaring.

As I’m often critical on here of social care, I want to say a massive thumbs up to Steven’s social worker. She phoned me yesterday morning to discuss the meeting the other day. I told her the news. Half an hor later, she called me back to say she had arranged 12 immediate overnight cares to help me out. That was great and I was very grateful. I’m not sure that it will help with sleeping but it will ease my feeling that I’m totally on my own should Steven have a meltdown in the middle of the night.

I went to visit Julie’s sister and our niece this morning and it was nice to talk things over and reminisce. They are taking charge of notifying all of her family and they also volunteered to have the funeral from their house. I’ve been pacing about because we can’t do anything until the coroner reports but they asked me to deliver the eulogy, so I started to plan that. Coming back, I got off the bus outside the Civic Centre and felt a burst of rage about the housing shit from last year. All that stuff about there being no relationship between me and my wife, and now I’m seen as her next of kin, so all the paperwork and everything falls on me. As usual, I feel my first priority is to Steven and I know he’s going to find it very hard, so I want to be around to stick to his routines wherever possible. If that means things take longer to sort out, that’s the way it has to be.

The worst thing will be sorting out the house – our old family home. Julie was a hoarder, so I’m sure it will bring up loads of stuff as we go through everything.

Sad times.

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20 Comments
  1. I am so sorry 😦

  2. am so very sorry….

  3. weary mother permalink

    I am so very sorry Mark

  4. Alwyn Davies permalink

    So sorry to hear of your loss Mark.

  5. Jo Curphey permalink

    I was so sorry to read your sad news. I know you will do everything you can to help Steven get through this sad time, but I hope you also have people close by who can take care of you too. x

  6. Happibun permalink

    Oh what a shame. I am so sorry to hear of your and Stephen’s loss.

  7. Magi permalink

    I’m shocked and saddened for both of you. It’s heartening that you are being offered extra support, I hope both yourself and Stephen are able to grieve and stay strong. Take care xxxxx

  8. swanarchie07 permalink

    I am so sorry to hear your sad news, death is hard for anyone to understand especially in circumstances like this. I know you will do whats best for you and steven and if that is time then take your time. Sending all my love and prays for the coming weeks and months xxxxxxxx

  9. I’m so sorry to read this. My thoughts are with you and Steven x

  10. simone permalink

    sorry to hear the sad news about your wife – thinking of you and Stephen. Simone X

    • Pauline Thomas permalink

      I feel so sad for you and Steven. So glad the social worker has helped in your hour of need. I hope you find the strength to get through this sadness. Bless you both.

  11. Sally permalink

    I’m so sorry that you aand Stephen have to go through this loss.Its so clear in your writing that you care enormously for Stephen’s Mum and have done your utmost to look after her and Stephen.

  12. Edna permalink

    How sad for Stephen and worrying for you when as you say the system has shown double standards. I am pleased you had some care and though from a social worker, rare though it is there sometimes people do the right thing- but usually an individual- not systems.

    Pace yourself and only do what you can when you can- you need to keep well.

  13. Glen permalink

    There’s no words to make anything better, but I’m so sorry to read about the sad passing of your wife and Steven’s mother. x

  14. anonymous permalink

    Condolences to you all. Be Strong.

  15. Emily permalink

    Mark, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.Things seemed to be going so well and you guys had been moving ahead. Please don’t fall back. Your wife and Stephen’s mummy would not have wanted that to happen. Keep moving forward making huge steps with the small victories everyday.

    Unfortunately even in your grief your blog is helping other people, all over the world, in similar situations learn how to deal with these matters when they arise.

    I thank you Sir.

    Stay strong for dear Stephen.

    Kisses and prayers from across Europe xxx

  16. Nichola permalink

    Deepest condolences to you and Steven. Steven has the same idea of death as my sister, who says Mum is in Heaven with everyone else we know, including cats, who have died. Edna’s advice is good – a day at a time and only do what you can and have to do.

  17. I am so sorry for your loss, and the extra strain it has put on you. Dealing with loss is hard enough without all you cope with already.

  18. Oh Mark and Steven, so sorry to hear this news. Sending you love and strength at this difficult time x

  19. Brigid permalink

    So sorry for the loss of Stephens Mum and your wife …Difficult times ahead to say the least but I hope you are all doing as well as you can be in these sad circumstances

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