The other day on the train i eavesdropped two guys entertaining themselves by composing an “alternative” handbook for their business. They found their own ideas hilarious. I had no idea what their work was because the language was beyond me. But it got me thinking.
Yesterday I posted several tweets offering my contribution to an Alternative Social Care Dictionary. It must have struck a chord because I got 78 new followers in 2 hours. It got a fair bit of criticism as well with people commenting that I was too cynical, unfair or didn’t understand some of the things I was writing about. The last point, I felt, proved my point. That most concepts and language in social care is impenetrable. I’ve also learned over time that the actualisation changes around the country. So personalisation in Dunstable is a very different kettle of fish to personalisation in Dudley. Social care doesn’t travel very well.
So sorry if I offend or am talking out of my arse but here is my first compilation (please feel free to add your own):
Service User – a different species to me, possibly not quite human.
Carer – Schmuck.
Person Centred Care – system centred care
Choice – you’ll get what’s offered.
Independence – you’re on your own now.
Working in Partnership – Dont worry, we wont ask you for your views or experience of your loved one.
Placement – a container, usually hundreds of miles from your home.
Inclusion – we’ll take you to watch someone swim at the baths.
Local services – Costas.
Accessing the Community – spending 3 hours in Costas with 4 other people from your supported living flat.
Fairer Charging Policy – Bingo. We can charge them for spending 3 hours in Costas.
Transparency – the mist thickens.
Candour – I’m channelling Pinocchio, or its none of your godamn business.
Assessed Needs – what I think you are like.
Best Interests – our view of what your life should be like.
Therapeutic Intervention – fistfulls of anti psychotic meds.
Positive Behaviour Support – dont be autistic.
Indicative Budget – the Poundland of care packages.
Fairer Access to Care Services – loser.
Commissioning – we cough up for the cheapest support, run a mile and then bunker down in silence.
Resource Allocation System – how we convert your life, beliefs and aspirations into a monetary value.
Day Centre – historic 1970s building, now a block of luxury flats.
Panel – the masonic lodge of the social care world.
Putting People First – after the service, the commissioners, the providers and Uncle Tom Cobbley.
Challenging Behaviour – not being listened to or understood.
One Page Profile – you try writing your autobiography on a postage stamp.
Pooled Budgets – buy one get one free.
Risk Assessment – we can find a reason to stop you doing anything.
Personalisation – Phew, got rid of another annoying statutory duty.
Hubs – Go on, you try and make a pie in the swimming pool.
Community Integration – a walk around the precinct before a Fanta in Burger King.
Care Champion – someone we couldnt make redundant so weve given them a nice badge instead.
Carers Assessment – we’ll waste an hour and a half of your life and have a good chuckle at your raised expectations.
Multi Disciplinary Teams – tea and bickies.
Behaviour Management Plans – how we restrict your personal growth.
Continuing Care Assessments – where we haggle over who foots the bill for your existence.
Circle of Support – how your friends can save us a fortune.
Community Programme – a reminder you will always be on the outside.
Service Provider – a person who has nice holidays in Dubai.
Transition – Shit. They’ve hit puberty. Can we send them to Wales?
Empowerment – dont ever forget, who has the power here.