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Meet The Commissioner in Committee Room Five

February 7, 2015

“Good morning everyone. My name is Bob Bibb and I stand before you today in my newly appointed position of CEO for commissioned services at Newport Pagnellshire council. Although, I’ve only been in this post for three weeks, following my move from Cheap & Cheerful Procurement Services, I like to think that I’ve hit the ground running. And it is on that note that I’m here to make a special announcement that will shape and cement the future of adult social care provision for the next decade and probably, the next millennium.

Last night I secured a deal with the Home from Home Care Solutions company to be the sole, exclusive provider of our residential services for the next ten years. Broadening our understanding of localized services, I predict a successful and profitable future with this dynamic company based in Gravesend.”

“Gravesend? Kent?”

“No. Gravesend, New South Wales. It’s a small, cosy 5000 bed unit founded on individualized person centered beliefs. I’ve secured a ‘buy four beds, get one free’ opportunity and at £4.5k per bed, per week, I’m sure you’ll recognize the equitability of this modern arrangement. As a gesture of goodwill, I have agreed to an upfront cohort of 1280 beds to be filled within the first four weeks of the contract, so I want you to all go through your case files and deliver me 1280 service users who need an immediate assessment and treatment program me. HHCS also want a commitment of a minimum two year residency for each patient, so you can imagine they were over the moon when I offered them three years. That will ensure optimum efficiencies in case file reductions. Not that I want anyone to think this gets them out of service monitoring. A Skype review every 18 months should meet our statutory obligations.

In practical, planning terms, it couldn’t be simpler. We take a service user off for a perfectly legitimate one night of respite provision. And here’s where the time differential between Newport Pagnellshire & New South Wales is so fortuitous. Whilst the service user’s family are tucked up in bed, we whisk the service user off to Heathrow. It’s a legitimate safeguarding solution. By thetime the family are tucking into their Frosties, Junior will be beginning their programme at the Maximum Security Compassionate Care Facility. As the new provider will be our sole provision, I suggest we revisit our “Choice is Everything” scheme and encourage our clients to reflect on choice in the widest possible context of the word. Similarly, I don’t want us to think our “Local Challenges – Local Solutions” agenda will be compromised by this move. We have to broaden our thinking around local.

Its an exciting time. There may be challenges. There may be the odd voice of dissent. But with 1280 beds going begging, we have the ideal solution for a behind the times dissenter.

Any questions……..”

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From → Social Care

7 Comments
  1. How could anyone possibly object? We all know ‘it takes a village’. Here at Newport Pagnellshire, we have the breadth of vision to understand that the modern way is for that to mean the *global* village.

  2. You will keep publishing these things, Mark, despite all my dire warnings. You’re putting us all in danger of living to see it playing out to your script! Though personally I feel New South Wales is going to work out a bit expensive. I would reckon some corner of the developing world would recognise the possibilities and undercut the market. Watch this space……..

    • Just had Bob Bibb on the phone, mocking your suggestion. The service user will pay for their flight out of their benefits under the Fairer Charging Policy.

      • Silly me! I should have thought of that. I guess that’s why he’s paid such a big fat salary and I’m just banking on my lottery numbers coming up.

  3. anonymous permalink

    Are there any Treatment Withdrawal Programmes in the pipeline?

  4. Didn’t the SS send kids in orphanages to Australia in the 1950s? Anyone else for forced emigration?

  5. Sally permalink

    Brilliant. Don’t forget service users have access to a crack team of experienced professionals accessed through a mixed media hub.(We have a DVD and some postcards)
    Was that Bob Bing on the telly talking about responding to the needs of service users by accommodating them in low stimulus noise controlled custom built provision? (coal mines.)

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