Committee Room Five Response To Media Outcry
“You may have noticed that an assessment and treatment unit, run by Newport Pagnellshire Social Care Majestum has been in the news recently. Basically, for four weeks in August, the Unit was overrun by an infestation of vampires. Most of the service users lost a lot of blood, but I should point out, that this was a humane plague of vampires and none of the residents were entirely drained. The toxic sister of one of the residents bypassed the usual internal incident reporting procedures and went straight to the CQC who in their wisdom put the Unit into special measures.
We take all concerns raised about our services extremely seriously. We immediately instigated an independent internal investigation, headed by myself. The investigation found the management of the Unit to be entirely blameless and beyond reproach. However, the report did reveal minor, albeit serious failings on the part of one of the zero hour agency night staff. This minion had failed to familiarize herself with the organization’s vampire risk assessment protocols. This member of staff has been disciplined and sent to Coventry by all her senior colleagues. It is also worth noting that the investigation found that the above mentioned toxic sister had not supplied her service user brother with a clove of garlic on admission, which in our view, was an unfortunate lapse in her judgement.
As a result of the wideranging independent internal investigation, we are reviewing all our processes, particularly around the risks posed by mythical creatures. Lessons have been learned and if any mistakes have been made (which is unlikely), we can assure the press that they won’t happen again as long as you are camped outside our door. Positive Vampire Support training will now form an obligatory module to all further induction training. We hope that families won’t mind paying extra for their loved one’s care charges to cover this award winning training. It will be a small price to pay (probably an extra £499.99 per week) for the reassurance that their relatives are in safe and skilled hands.
The safety of the people in our care is always our top priority (that goes without saying) and we reject completely the suggestion that we put the reputation of the organisation and the shareholder’s dividends before the vulnerable people in our care. It is purely coincidental that on the night of the most serious vampire attack, the senior management team were able to evacuate themselves before the residents. They were perfectly understandably distracted by the cocktail party they were shortly to attend.
Finally, we would like to offer our most sincere condolences to anyone affected by this tragedy, even though our transparent investigation highlights that nothing tragic actually happened.
We hope that everyone involved can now draw a line under their blood loss and trauma and move on”.
From → Social Care