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Committee Room Five Response To Media Outcry

October 29, 2015

“You may have noticed that an assessment and treatment unit, run by Newport Pagnellshire Social Care Majestum has been in the news recently. Basically, for four weeks in August, the Unit was overrun by an infestation of vampires. Most of the service users lost a lot of blood, but I should point out, that this was a humane plague of vampires and none of the residents were entirely drained. The toxic sister of one of the residents bypassed the usual internal incident reporting procedures and went straight to the CQC who in their wisdom put the Unit into special measures.

We take all concerns raised about our services extremely seriously. We immediately instigated an independent internal investigation, headed by myself. The investigation found the management of the Unit to be entirely blameless and beyond reproach. However, the report did reveal minor, albeit serious failings on the part of one of the zero hour agency night staff. This minion had failed to familiarize herself with the organization’s vampire risk assessment protocols. This member of staff has been disciplined and sent to Coventry by all her senior colleagues. It is also worth noting that the investigation found that the above mentioned toxic sister had not supplied her service user brother with a clove of garlic on admission, which in our view, was an unfortunate lapse in her judgement.

As a result of the wideranging independent internal investigation, we are reviewing all our processes, particularly around the risks posed by mythical creatures. Lessons have been learned and if any mistakes have been made (which is unlikely), we can assure the press that they won’t happen again as long as you are camped outside our door. Positive Vampire Support training will now form an obligatory module to all further induction training. We hope that families won’t mind paying extra for their loved one’s care charges to cover this award winning training. It will be a small price to pay (probably an extra £499.99 per week) for the reassurance that their relatives are in safe and skilled hands.

The safety of the people in our care is always our top priority (that goes without saying) and we reject completely the suggestion that we put the reputation of the organisation and the shareholder’s dividends before the vulnerable people in our care. It is purely coincidental that on the night of the most serious vampire attack, the senior management team were able to evacuate themselves before the residents. They were perfectly understandably distracted by the cocktail party they were shortly to attend.

Finally, we would like to offer our most sincere condolences to anyone affected by this tragedy, even though our transparent investigation highlights that nothing tragic actually happened.

We hope that everyone involved can now draw a line under their blood loss and trauma and move on”.


From → Social Care

  1. Kara permalink

    Hugely amused to see that WP has stuck under this post, an advertisement for a dirty-laundry whitener – “30-second stain removal, the Gold Standard”.

    Newport Pagnellshire, along with a number if other public bodies, could do to order a lorryload. If I drop a word in the shell-like of Ms. Trussell, would @Mishap_Charity be able to handle the contract for bulk-purchasing and distribution on their behalf?

  2. Hugely amused to see an advertisement for a dirty-laundry whitening powder pop up just below this post – “30-second stain removal, the Gold Standard”.

    Think Newport Pagnellshire, and a few other public bodies, could do with a lorryload, reputational mishaps for the bleaching-out of.

    If I drop a word in Ms. Trussell’s shell-like, do you think @Mishap_Charity could handle the bulk purchase and distribution on their behalf? There could be a hefty contract profit and Directorial seats at an awards dinner table in this!

  3. Sheila Handley permalink

    Well this made me hoot. But it does a superb job of highlighting the nonsense of repeated investigations and how agencies can always respond to minimise their failures. Brilliant!

  4. Sally permalink

    Mark, this just in:”On the bright side we were pleased to see residents celebrating our “independence and outdoors” policy (being locked out of the building all day while we play Candy Crush).We swelled with pride to watch them inhale healthful fresh air while being chased by flesh -eating zombies.

    • Pauline Thomas permalink

      …..’and we are pleased to inform you that McDonalds and Costa Coffee have become new stakeholders in our ‘out in the community’ initiative……..

  5. Emmeline permalink

    Genius, sheer genius.

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