An A to Z of Social Care (Part One A-M)
Yesterday, The Guardian put out a call for contributions for a New Health & Social Care Alphabet. Here is my humble contribution:
Accessing the Community: Whereas you and I go out, learning disabled people access the community. It means the same thing. This activity usually involves window shopping in the precinct but may occasionally involve a Panda Cola from the newsagents.
Assessment & Treatment Units: A warehouse where learning disabled people are incarcerated, often for many years, to stop them spoiling the appearance of the community.
Apple Catchers: Very popular activity amongst NHS movers and shakers. Usually undertaken after shakers have shaken the apple cart on which the apples reside.
Best Interests: What a group of professionals decide is the best way of living your life. Often involves removal from family home and incarceration in assessment and treatment unit (see Above)
Boat Rocker: Currently fashionable with Radical Change Agents (See “R”). Boat can only be rocked from the inside. Woe betide anyone who tries to rock the boat from the outside.
Candour: Obviously different meaning from common usage. Something the Minister for health calls for, every seven months or so.
Care Quality Commission: Seen within the trade as a bunch of busybodies. Probably akin to the X Factor Panel (but for Care Homes & Hospitals)
Carer: Very little known of this species but said to be fond of cardigans and moaning about their lot.
Carers UK: The collective noun for the Carer (see above). A tribe who encourage people to knit or hold coffee mornings so their members can buy more cardigans.
Challenging Behaviour: Believed by some to be people in distress trying to be understood. In professional circles seen as justification for anti psychotic medication regime & incarceration in Assessment & Treatment Unit (see above).
Challenging Behaviour Foundation: An evangelical group who gain a lot of attention by calling for things. Known to work best in pairs.
Change Champions: Modern day cheerleaders who don’t necessarily wear blazers or carry pom poms.
#Change is Changing: A 21st Century clan who like to make up three letter phrases with the same noun and verb (see also Chiropodists are Chiropodising).
Choice; An opportunity to pick between one thing or nothing.
Circles of Support: A modern trend for getting your next door neighbour to provide your care, bringing immediate efficiency savings>
Commissioners: An anonymous group of people, who control the purse strings and have a penchant for sending people to their doom.
Continuing Care Assessments: A sporting term. An arm wrestling contest between social care and health professionals over who funds a care package.
Day Centre: A 1970s building of no historic significance, where people congregated before they started accessing the community (see above).
Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards: An often played trump card when you want a person to know where the power lies.
Direct Payments: A sum of money to purchase care (hahahaha) which will be micro managed by a professional as if their life depended on it.
Eligible Needs: What’s wrong with you.
Empowerment: An illusory gift from professional to a nonentity.
Exnovation: Something you do before you innovate. Very fashionable in July 2015 but had shot it’s bolt by August 2015.
Expert By Experience: A term bestowed on a Carer (see above) to stop them whinging and for them to think they are involved in some fashion.
Fairer Access to Care Services (FACS): A guilt inducing iniative to deflect attention away from something very unfair taking place.
Fairer Charging Policy: Inspired by the FACS (see entry immediately above). Another layer of guilt whilst bleeding someone dry.
Families: Editors Note: This may be a made up word. Despite our extensive research into 1000s of social care records, we can find no mention of this term.
#Fuckingpest: A term of endearment, used amongst the sons of Board members to family members who are a little miffed.
Gardening Leave: A time to reflect, offered to boat rockers who rock a little bit too hard.
Hub: A Post Office conversion property where people assemble before going window shopping or buying a Panda Cola.
Human Rights Act: A little known and even lesser used piece of law that doesn’t really apply to the people this dictionary covers because they’re not really human.
Inclusion: Having a Panda Cola with someone who is human.
Independence: Being in your pyjamas by 5pm and being on your own with an alert button between 7pm and 9am.
Independent Mental Capacity Advocate: An endangered species, usually employed to give someone a voice. Now rarer than Kajagoogoo hit records.
Indicative Budget: A sum of money that empowers the person to purchase their care from Poundland.
Innovation: The mantra of all NHS Change Agents. It means to do something that has already been done before but to pretend that it hasn’t.
Integration: A reminder that you will always be on the outside & meaningful life can only be bestowed on you by an insider.
Katrina Pearcey: To lose one’s soul through rampant narcissism. Soon to be a DSM category.
Leader Love: No idea to be honest but probably the sort of thing that a Katrina Pearcey would aspire to.
Least Restrictive Option: A choice between prison and an assessment and treatment unit (see “A”)
Measurable Outcomes: Having everything you do logged and judged.
Mencap: A collective who give voices to people without voices and are always in the papers, calling out for things.
Modern Way (The): Will probably be the old fashioned way by the time you read this.
Multi Disciplinary Meetings: A get together of anybody who is anybody. Except you of course.
From → Social Care