An A to Z of Social Care (Part Two – N to Z)
Needs: A catalogue of things that mark you out as not quite human. Nobody else on the planet has these things.
Occupational Therapy: Three years of intensive, intrusive assessments to get a bed pan.
One Page Profile: Reducing your whole life to one side of a piece of A4 paper. Popular amongst a certain group of happy clappers.
Outcomes: Something we can use to withdraw your entire support package. Fail to meet a nebulous outcome and, whoosh, watch that support disappear.
Outsourcing: Getting rid of all those expensive things. A win win because you can get rid of accountability as well.
Pathways: Not sure. But modelled on Hampton Court Maze.
Patient Passport: Similar to the One Page Profile but something that lets the medical profession know that you’re not quite human.
Personalisation: Putting you at the periphery of your life.
Person Centred Plan: A chance to exercise our power by saying “No” to everything you want to do with your life.
Personal Budget: How to become a director of your own company overnight when all you wanted was some support to go swimming.
Placement: A place where non humans are caged. Not to be confused with a home.
Pooled Budget: Spending your money on things that another resident at your placement wants to do but that you have no interest in.
Positive Behaviour Support: An opportunity for a whole army of professionals from Kent to tell you that you are being inappropriate.
Prone Restraint: A popular Positive Behaviour Support strategy that involves being pinned face down on the floor at a time when you are most distressed.
Provider: Someone who sends a person to your placement for £4.65 per hour and enjoys great holidays in Barbados.
Putting People First: That doesn’t mean you. I said “People” – you’re not “People”.
Q: An NHS scheme that was all the rage in August 2015 but had died a death by September 2015.
Radical Change Agent: A self appointed title by people whose most radical thing they’ve ever done is to eat humus.
Re-ablement Not sure. It implies that you had ablement, lost it, and are being given to back again.
Resource Allocation System: A clunky machine full of algorithms that reduces your non human status to a monetary value.
Safeguarding: Looking after the organisation’s reputation.
Service User: Someone who can’t use non existant services.
Signposting: A social care sat-nav to nowhere.
Spit Hood: Another favourite of the Positive Behaviour Crowd. It covers your head completely when you are at your most distressed.
Stakeholder: Anyone who can make a bit of money out of you.
Starprism: A title given to those who have been showing some leader love and doing some top notch brown nosing.
Therapeutic Intervention: A wide range of tools that includes incarceration in an assessment and treatment unit (see A), an anti psychotic drug habit, prone restraint (See P) or use of a Spit Hood (See S).
Toxic: A term of endearment bestowed usually by psychiatrists on grieving family members.
Transition: That moment when your world is turned upside down.
Transparency: Another thing that the Minister for Health calls for every seven months. When achieved, it produces more mist than a Meat Loaf video.
Ulysses: A thoroughly modern computer system where you can lose all sorts of deaths you’ve classified as “natural causes”.
Underpants: A garment favoured by NHS types for writing inspirational quotes on.
Val Murphy (Dr): A modern euphemism (“Doing a Val Murphy”) to describe getting the hell out of the heat and fleeing to Ireland.
Vanguard: Not sure. Possible one up the ladder from a Change Champion (See C). Often located in Concordats.
Viral Quality: An award winning project that looks like it was dreamt up in primary school but costs £974k to produce.
Woman on All Fours: Someone who can seriously fuck up your Viral Quality presentastion by desperately needing a pee at the wrong moment.
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