Charity Begins in Committee Room Five
Press Release From Newport Pagnellshire Adult Social Care Majestum:
“From Sunday 31st July 2016, all social care services previously provided by Newport Pagnellshire Social Care Majestum will be transfered to the new organisation who have taken responsibility for service provision.
All services will now come under the umbrella (Ella, Ella, Ella) of our newly formed Charity – Total Integrity & Transparency Solutions (TITS).
The Charity’s newly appointed CEO, Deidre Trussell, may be a name familiar to our partners. Deidre was until this coming Sunday the director of adult social care for Newport Pagnellshire and went through a very thorough selection process for her new post (It’s a sign of real HSJ award winning leadership being able to butter three cream crackers whilst dancing the Macarena).
As befitting a Charity named after its two core values details of the CEO’s salary and perks will be available on our website when it goes live in 2023.
Deidre has already secured the provision of a decade’s supply of Spit hoods for all our supported living schemes for the cost effective sum of £50,000.00. It goes without saying that the total cost may rise to £7,000,000.00 over the term of the contract, if we can divert the governor’s attention to more important matters, like Brillo pad procurement.
We wish to say with total Integrity that the Newport Pagnellshire Bugle’s scurrilous report that Ms Trussell and the CEO of Restraint Clothing 4 Us, Bob Bibb were associates in previous careers is totally wide of the mark. The fact they shared a bowl of olives in a Greek taverna in 1997 is neither here nor there.
As we are now a Charity, all our income will come in the form of donations (Read that, Mr Taxman) and being a donation it must be completely voluntary. We are thankful to the local agency, Thugs For Hire, for its generous donation of £6.5m to provide all the local prone Restraint services. Service users will be asked for a donation for receiving this service, say perhaps £12000 per week. Failure to donate could result in a two hour session face down rather than 30 minutes.
I’m sure all our customers will have many questions about our new Charitable venture. We would like to draw your attention to our recently drawn up, Client led service level agreement:
1. Do not attempt to ask any questions of the Charity.
2. Repeated questioning will result in emotional blackmail, followed by veiled legal threats.
3. Send persistent questioners to Coventry (I.e. block them on social media, use their letters to line the Budgie cage etc).
4. Issue a press release implies the questioner has lost their marbles and our integrity and transparency is beyond question.
We’re learning fast.
From → Social Care