I’m going to take a short break from writing this blog. Or rather, I’m going to take some time out from writing about the intimate stuff of Steven’s & my life. If St Andrews suddenly decide to build a new 2000 bed, person centred unit, I might want to have my say on the matter but for the moment, I want to rest the personal stuff and let it heal.
The intention of this blog has always been to present the “normality” of our lives, rather than the object or the animal that the system likes to present. Being so exposing can be a double edged sword. I can achieve my goal but it opens me and Steven up to judgements. Most of the time I can handle that but at times when I’m feeling sad or low, the attention (self induced) becomes an added burden.
I’ve been to the bank this morning and changed all the direct debits into Steven’s name as the OPG requested. It was very straight forward and took about 15 minutes. What I wrote about yesterday wasn’t about the specifics or process of what the OPG was demanding. It was about the sadness I was feeling about how another small part of our family relationship was killed off.
Feeling melancholy, I went from the bank to Tesco to do the shopping for my flat. Most of my trolley had stuff for me but I picked up a couple of bits for Steven for the weekend. As I put the plastic divider on the checkout between my bits and Steven’s, I felt sad. I noticed other families, a woman & her elderly mother, a woman and her son with downs syndrome, doing their shopping together and felt sad.
This all may be self indulgent bollocks. I know deep down, it says nothing about our actual relationship but I can’t begin to describe how wearing it is to have the constant refusal to acknowledge love and duty and mutual interest. After a while, I start to feel very sore.
I just want to say that I’m not criticizing anyone. This is the internet and it has been my choice to bring my private life into a public space. I stand by my intentions but now is the time to withdraw and rest the wounds.
But, I’ll be back 😋