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Celebrity Concordat

November 10, 2018

Following the decision to cancel all future series of Big Brother, Channel Five’s head of commissioning has approached Dame Deidre Trussell, the government’s newly appointed Social Care Conscience Csar. Deidre received her damehood for her innovations whilst head of Social Care at Newport Pagnellshire council, namely her ground breaking person centred scheme of relocating all the borough’s learning disabled population to Gravesend, New South Wales. Commentators have hailed Deirdre’s success at combining maximum efficiency savings with her committment to deprive 1369 of the most vulnerable but costly citizens of their liberty. On the other side of the world.

Dame Deidre is brimming with passion about her new reality TV project. Her aim is to change the hearts and minds of the viewing public to see the celebrity patients as empathic professionals and not the complete narcissists that is the current public perception.

For the duration of the programme’s six week run, a group of 10 of the country’s leading social care heroes will be cut off from their daily grind in one of the nation’s first class assessment and treatment units. Each day, you the public will choose via the “hatch app” an inpatient to be the subject of the day’s “Complex Needs Conundrum”. The other nine patients will be presented with the conundrum and have to decide the most restrictive option for the selected patient’s care. Any contestant refusing to cooperate will be pinned down by our four nurses (Shadow, Warrior, Trojan and Wolfman) and be injected with a gallon of antipsychotic cocktails.

We’ve got a mouthwatering cohort of service users: 4 CEOs, Tony (Cygnet Healthcare), Jan (Mencap), Ian (CQC) and Katie (St Andrews). 2 Directors: Raymondo (National LD director) and Sir Steve (Charity Futures). 3 of the UK’s top Responsible Clinicians: Bawa, Valerie and Ashok. Finally, the real feather in the casting director’s cap, Matty, the Secretary of State for health and something or other.

Meet the care champions:


Today’s Complex Needs Conundrum:

Jan has been promised for the past week that today she can have an off site visit to go sailing on her old buddy Katrina’s boat. Unfortunately there has been an overspend on the claret budget and the Trust cannot afford the staff required to support Jan in her community programme. Jan is extremely upset.

The nine remaining patients have to decide which of the following two options will best meet Jan’s complex needs. Either:

A. Sacrifice their performance related bonus this month and use the money to engage two agency staff to facilitate Jan’s personal development.


B. Send Jan to the seclusion room for 48 hours with a social story about “Adjusting Expectations”.

Tune in tomorrow to see what becomes of Jan.

And don’t forget to vote in our poll “Has your heart and mind budged an inch?”


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  1. weary mother permalink

    Invitation: – an easy read guide with an x showing moving from gravy train job and perks – another x without stopping for lunch at Claridges – plus big smiley face for ATU…and picture home. – a door – plus letter box with a sandwich jammed in.

    Home Sweet Home.

    • Amanda permalink

      Weary Mother, don’t forget the easy read final line of ‘This is OK’.

  2. Can we work some Haldol suppositories into this somewhere?

    Not sure how but I definitely know where they can stick them.

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