Ceasing To Be

Urgent statement from Northern Health Parrot Trust.

You may have seen various scaremongering reports in the media about the demises of several parrots who used our services.

This disputed report (by nobody but ourselves and other people with their finger in the parrot pie) was written by a Gnu consultancy agency, The Tazars.

Whilst we are open to the contents of this report, we have to put on record that we believe the report to be utter rubbish. The methodology is flawed and the numbers are grossly exaggerated. For example, the Tazars report that over 1000 parrots have fallen off the Perch. Our totally independent research (carried out by my brother in law) reveal the true figure to be much much lower. Although we are still working on our algorithms, we calculate the figure of parrots who have ceased to be as significantly lower. It’s 998.

We also categorically refute the premise of the allegations that these parrot demises were unexpected. Some may have been unexpectedly resting but that is an entirely different matter. The problem with the sensationalistic reporting is that these media Johnnies don’t know the difference between “an unexpected demise” and “a demise that is not expected”. It’s these matters of fine detail that could cost the trust several award nominations.

It is also claimed in this scurrilous report that in the case of 60% of the parrots now pushing up the daisies, we did not involve their families in the investigations that did not happen. That is an outrageous allegation. We always apologise to the families if there is a camera rolling nearby.

We are committed to learning lessons from this overblown report. Unfortunately, in our business, from time to time, our plumed service users expire and go to meet their makers. Buggar all we can do about that. And after all, they’re only parrots.

Just one last thing and then I can get back to the important work of a CEO. This may put the mockers on our co-production partnerships with our partner services but we believe it is relevant to point out that they are all just as culpable. For something that has been grossly overblown. They’ve all got shit on their shoes even though there is no shit around. We are partners in apportioning blame and liability, although all our awards are for our endeavors, and our’s alone.

Now can we all move along please before I run down the curtain and join the bleeding choir invisible. I’m far too important to the world for that to happen.

Northern Health Parrot Trust – Putting Parrots First. No squawk Unheard. No Polly Ignored.